As it’s Pancake Day, I thought I’d share my ‘recipe’ for making my speciality Heart Attack Pancakes. This isn’t much of a recipe, the food looks wrong but tastes delicious and will almost definitely kill you. So get involved with some Heart Attack Pancakes.
- Cheese (Grated, because grating it yourself is too much effort)
- Pancake mix (£1 from the cornershop/off license)
- Maple Syrup
Put the sausages in the oven. Wait until the sausages are cooked. Make sure the oven is hot, nothing worse than trying to cook sausages and then finding out you didn’t turn the oven on. You can use a metal tray if you want, or just let the porky penises sit straight on the filthy shelf, your call.
Here are some activities you can be doing while waiting:
- Chain smoke. I should’ve said this at the start, but throughout this process you should be chain smoking. Make sure you light whatever you’re smoking by using the gas flames on the hob for extra danger.
- Take loads of drugs. Doesn’t matter what kind of drugs. All drugs acceptable, but for the unimaginative, here’s some starting points:
- Stronger stuff that you had to get by lying to a pharmacist about your symptoms
- The handshake drugs you bought downtown
- Consider the futility of it all
- Binge drink.
- Cross the road without looking both ways, live on the edge.
- Stick a fork in the mains.
- Field texts from your concerned Mum.
Don’t actually do any of that stuff. Half way through cooking the sausages, start frying the bacon.
Once you’ve cooked your sausages and bacon, chop that lovely meat up into chunks and whack them into a microwaveable bowl. Pour loads of grated cheese ontop of this greasy mess of meat. Then follow the instructions on the £1 pancake mix from the off license/corner shop. The cheese should already be melting a bit, but let’s not piss about, put that meaty/cheese mess in the microwave for a minute or two, or longer, who really cares?
Inevitably fuck up making the actual pancakes and just give up and whack it all into a disgusting looking, yet tasty mush.
Take the meaty mess out of the microwave, put it on top of your pancake mess. Pour some Maple syrup on top of it. Then eat it.
Eat something healthy to balance it out. I’ve gone for a shrimp salad.